Getting High
No, not like that. I’m talking about EXERCISE. Last week I bought some work out DVDs. I got a Dancercise pack that has 4 different types of dance on it and the Jillian Michaels Yoga. As it turns out, I am sooooo not on Jillian’s yoga level. So Jess, Britt, and I decided to just do the Dancercise for now and work our way up to Jillian. But boy let me tell you… I forgot how much fun it is to work out!
We did the hip hop routine and, yeah, I was totally beat. But I felt great. I had that exercise high. As we all know, exercise makes your brain produce endorphins. Endorphins are a chemical that reduces your perception of pain, acts as a sedative, and causes feelings of happiness. Exercise is great because not only is it improtant to be healthy and fit, but it also makes your brain release endorphins, thus making you feel better. Exercise is a great form of “therapy” for those who suffer from depression. It’s a way to let out frustration, anger, and other emotions. Plus the endorphins make you feel AH-MAZING.
The girls and I have worked out a schedule. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays we are going to get together and do our work out. I’m super pumped.
In other news, I ordered $138 in art supplies online… I can’t wait for them to come in so I can paint more!
-BR
I Need to Get Down to Business!
Thus far, I’ve been doing fairly well with my New Year’s Resolutions. However, there are a few things that I seriously have to buckle down and make myself do.
*I’ve doine great with eating healthier. I’ve been inserting more fruits and vegetables in my diet as well as just trying to make other generally healthy food choices. I feel good about it.
*I have not done well with exercising. Except for walking home from work two days last week, I haven’t done anything. I need to get on that. It’s the resolution I’ve slacked on the most and I seriously need to get it in gear. I’ve decided that I am going to Target after work today and to get 2 Jillian Michaels work out DVDs: 30 Day Shred and Yoga Meltdown .
My girlfriend, Britt, and best friend, Jess, are picking me up from work today. We could all use more excercise so I’m gonna make them do it with me!
*As for being better with my money, so far so good. I paid my ticket and my credit card bill for this month. I told my mom about the letter from MSU and she’s gonna take care of that for me (since it’s not my fault my family lost it so I had no idea I’d gotten it). I even put some left over money from my last paycheck into savings and I still have money to get me through the week until I get paid on Friday. However, I still need to get Sallie Mae sorted out, and when I get paid on Friday I need to set aside a larger chunk of money to go into my savings account.
*Recovery is still going strong. I’m doing great with eating, taking my medicine, expressing my emotions, and asking for help. What I’m not doing so hot on is looking for a new therapist. I really need to do that. But I hate therapist shopping. It’s so much work and is so tiring. I swear it’s worse than going jeans swhopping. It’s not just about who takes my insurance. There are many other factors involved with choosing who I want to work with. And even after I make a decision and go to see them, it might not be the right fit. It’s a daunting task that kind of overwhelms me. I’ll admit I’ve been avoiding it. I need to kick myself into gear and get serious about therapist shopping.
*I feel like the resolution I’ve been do the best with so far is being happier. I’ve been reading more (which is always my favorite escape). I tried a new hobby, painting, and I absolutely loved it. I felt so free while I was painting. I can’t wait to get some more supplies so that I can get the creative juices flowing again. I’ve been hanging out with more of my friends (Britt, Jess, Coty, Ang, Clean). I feel good!
How are you doing with YOUR resolutions??
-BN
Trying New Things
Ok. So remember how I said i wanted to try painting? Well I did it! I went to Joann Fabrics today with my mom and I bought a bunch of supplies. I got some canvas, brushes, a pallete, finishing spray, and.a starter pack of acrylic pants. Then I came home and set myself up outside to paint. It was such.a beautiful day out (the total wrong weather for January but whatever I’m not complaining).
It felt so great to sit outside in the sunshine and delve into something creative. I felt invigorated. I felt inspired. Free. I just let myself go and forgot about trying to make something “good” or “artistic.” I just let the feelings out in color.
Here are the results of two and a half hours of art therapy. Let me know what you think!
-BR
This is the first one I did. I call it Freedom.
Painting number two. Its called Out of the Dark. This one is recovery inspired. Its about where I was before and how now I’m finding my way out.
Painting number three. With You. This one is for my girlfriend. Its about the way that I feel when I’m with her.
1. What great thing would you attempt if you knew you couldn’t fail?
I would be an actress. I love theatre and I love performing, but I’m always afraid I won’t be good enough and that I can’t make it.
2) What would you do if you were ten times bolder in your relationships, work, family, and spiritual life?
I would do what I want and say how I feel. No regrets.
3) What would you be doing if you had all the money in the world?
I’d pay off all my bills and get myself and my family settled and taken care of. I’d donate money to some charities that are important to me (NEDA, TWLOHA, AHAS). Then I’d probably try to write and pursue my creative interests. I’d also work on spreading awareness about and helping those with eating disorders, depression, and self harm.
4) If you could teach something, what would you want to teach?
English. I love books and writing. Especially Shakespeare.
5) If you left this life tomorrow, what message would you leave behind for the next seven generations?
Love. Love others. Love the world around you. Love the life you have. Love the blessings and opportunities that you have. Love yourself.
6) How short would your life have to be before you would start living differently today?
Well having already looked down the barrel of the gun of a life that might end to soon I would say NOW. That’s what I’m trying to do with this blog. Live differently; live well.
7) When was the last time you went someplace you had never before?
When I went to London in 2009. It was so much fun! I would absolutely love to go back.
8) What is your biggest dream?
I want to marry my girlfriend and have a family with her.
9) Can you describe your life with a six-word or less sentence?
I’m trying to do my best.
10) When was the last time you tried something new?
Last February when I went into a program for my eating disorder.
11) What makes you come alive?
Listening to music, kissing my girlfriend.
12) How much control do you have over your life?
I used to feel like I had absolutely no control over my life. That’s a part of the reason why I fell so hard into my unhealthy behaviors. But now I feel like I’m starting to get some of that control back.
13) How would your life be different if you knew you weren’t judged or criticized?
I wouldn’t be as scared or insecure. As such, I’d most likely take more risks and not worry about doing the things that I want.
14) Why do you love what you love?
They make me feel good. They make me feel happy. They make me feel like maybe I’m not crazy.
15) When you’re much older, what type of stories do you want to tell?
I want to tell the kind of stories that inspire people.
16) Beyond color, nationality, job titles accomplishments, sexual preferences, or labels given by others… who are you?
I am a work in progress.
17) Are you settling?
I admit that sometimes I do settle. That’s something I do need to work on.
18) What does your joy look like today?
Today my joy is in hanging out with my best friend at her new apartment, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, rapping to along with Drake, and playing with her kitten!
19) Finish this sentence: When i think of love, I think of…
Brittany.
20) What did you want to be when you grew up?
I want to be happy.
21) What could you say was your defining moment?
I can’t decide on one single moment. I’d say I have three. One, realizing I was in love with Britt. Two, deciding that I needed to enter into a program and get help. Three, starting this blog and getting serious about making changes in my life.
22) How do you define “soul”?
The true essence of a person
23) When did you become so fearful as an adult?
When I went away to school and also when I realized I was in love with a girl
24) If you could go back and do something again, would you have made the same choices?
I’d like to say no. I’d like to say I’d never decide to skip that first meal. I’d like to say I’d never pick up that razor for the first time. But I can’t say that. I wouldn’t be here in this exact same place that I am now if it weren’t for those things. As horrible and as difficult as it was, I think it has made me who I am today.
25) If you were God, with the absolute power of creation, how would the world look?
It would look exactly like it is. I think our world is a beautiful place.
26) What are some things worth fighting for?
Love and happiness
27) What is the most important thing to teach a child?
To accept and love others
28) Where is heaven to you?
Where the pain is no longer there
29) What do you want your future self to say about your present self?
Don’t give up.
Possible Painter?
I am not an artist. I give stick figures a bad name. I’ve never been able to draw, even though I’ve always wished I could. My talent generally lies in writing and theatre.
However, lately I’ve been thinking that I want to start painting. Its weird. I’ve been coming up with these ideas for paintings. Not traditional landscapes, portraits, etc. The ideas I have are more about expressing messages that I think are important. Like LOVE, PEACE, HOPE, FAITH, JOY, etc.
I have a few really good ideas bouncing around in my head and I’d kind of like to give it a shot. But I’m nervous. What if they’re terrible? What if no one likes them? What if I can’t get what I see in my head down on the canvas?
I don’t know. I could really use with some thoughts/ opininons on this.
-BR
Ghost Girl
I looked back on those wasted years and here’s what I saw: a spook retreating from the world step by silent step, until I was a ghost instead of a girl.
I just finished reading Shine by Lauren Myracle. It’s about a boy who gets beaten up because he’s gay and his childhood friend trying to figure out who did it. If you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. It’s a good book, an easy read, and has some powerful moments. One of those powerful moments is the above quote. When I read it, those words really got me thinking. They got me thinking about the time that I spent retreating into myself, pushing away those around me who cared about me most.
When I was knee-deep in “my crazy,” as I like to call it, I pushed everyone and everything away. I spent my days holed up in my room watching tv. I didn’t open up to anyone. I didn’t tell my friends or my family what was going on with me. I didn’t tell them how inadequate I felt, how I thought I could fix those inadequacies by fixing my body. I didn’t tell them how miserable and depressed I was. I felt like dying and dreamed about having the courage to make it happen. I kept it a secret. I hid away, retreating into myself.
Looking back on that time of my life, I can see that what was left of me wasn’t me. I was an empty shell. I was a ghost of the girl I used to be in every single way. Not only could you practically see right through me because I’d lost so much weight, but I wasn’t even here. I was lost in a world of ghosts, shadows, and nightmares.
I was no longer Breann.
But now I’m farther away from all of that. I’m eating. I’m better about expressing my emotions. I open up to the people who care about me because I know that they just want to help me. I am no longer a ghost.
I feel like I can shine.
-BR
Top Ten Reasons I Should Be an Editor
Okay. So this probably won’t be an actual list of ten reasons, but whatever. The point will still be made: I should be an editor. ‘Nuff said.
- I love books. I do. I love to read. I literally always have a book to read and am always in the midst of reading at least two books.
- I love grammar. I know its weird. But who cares? I’m weird. Get over it. I like grammar, I enjoy speaking properly, and I absolutely relish in correcting people when they make gross grammatical errors. I mean, seriously, how difficult is it to correctly speak your native language? Geez.
- I am very organized. I constantly make lists. I’m always organizing my computer contents into neat little folders. I love office supplies and anything else designed to keep you in order. Plus, I’m good at maintaining that order (except when it comes to my room… but, hey, everyone’s got to have somewhere to let loose).
- I find mistakes in books all the freaking time. And it drives me absolutely nuts. I can’t stand it. Isn’t that someone’s job? Don’t they get paid to make sure there aren’t any mistakes before it goes out to print? And yet I still find them… everywhere. I find them in novels. I find them in magazines and newspapers. I find them in books for adults and books for children. I even find them in TEXTBOOKS for god’s sake! Its an absolute travesty. And hey, if the poeple who are supposed to be making sure this doesn’t happen can’t seem to do their job right, why shouldn’t I do it?!
I want to be an editor. I really think I could do it. I think I’d enjoy it and that I’d be good at it too.
Alright. So that wasn’t a top ten list. But how stupid would it be if I called it a Top Four List?
-BR
New Years Resolutions
It’s that time of year, folks. The time of year where we all decide to make earth-shattering changes to improve ourselves. I’ve got a few resolutions of my own and this year, I’m going to really try to stick with them (yeah, I know everyone says that but I really mean it this time).
So here goes:
- Eat healthier- I really need to do this. Now, I’m not saying diet (obviously as someone in recovery from an eating disorder that would be counter productive). But what I really want to do is just make better food choices. I’ve gotten more comfortable with eating again (thank god!) but I’ve also gotten a little lax. In 2012 I want to make better choices about what I put into my body.
- Exercise- I need to get active. I spend way too much time sitting around on the computer, watching tv, and reading books. Not that any of these are bad things. In fact they’re great! But its important to stay active and healthy. I used to do yoga and I loved it. My girlfriend, Brittany, and I are going to start doing it again. I’d also like to do zumba and perhaps when it gets warm again, try doing some running. In 2012 I want to be a healthier me.
- Save money- I need to get better about my finances. I have a good job right now but it only last through the school year. Once June rolls around, I’ll be out of work again. I need to work on setting aside money and not spending so frivolously. Brittany and I want to move out when she finishes school in a year and a half so its important that I start saving up money. I also need to be better about paying my bills (credit card, school loans, etc). In 2012 I want to be more fiscally responsible.
- Recovery- I need to stay on track with my recovery. I need too remind myself that I am fine the way that I am. As I try to eat better and exercise more, I need to know that it is not with the goal of “losing weight” and “becoming perfect” because I do not need to be perfect, nor can I be. Eating right and exercising is about being a healthy person so that I can life a longer, happier life. Also with staying track in my recovery includes going to therapy (which reminds me that I need to get on my search for a new therapist), taking my medicine, expressing my feelings and not keep them bottled up inside, finding creative outlets, keeping busy, and not using harmful behaviors when life becomes too stressful. I also need to ask for help when I need it. In 2012 I want to stay in recovery.
- School- I need to work on finishing school. I have two classes left in order to graduate from Montclair State with my BA in English. I already figured out what two requirements need to be fulfilled, now I just have to sort out the money. I suppose this goes with my saving money goal as well. College classes are expensive, but I am determined to figure it out. In 2012 I want to graduate college.
- Enjoy life- I need to work on not being so down all the time. I need to take moments to enjoy the good things in my life. I need to focus on the good and not the bad. I need to do more things for myself, find activities, outlets, and hobbies that make me happy, surround myself with good people, and figure out what I want to do with my life that I will enjoy doing. In 2012 I want to be happier.
You gotta start somewhere…
I’m not quite sure what this blog is going to be. I just know that I needed a place to put my thoughts down. Facebook is for posting pictures and seeing what’s up with my friends, keeping in touch and up to date on everyone’s lives. Twitter is for what I’m doing or feeling right then and there. Tumblr is for reblogging things that interest or entertain me. This will be for me to express myself.
It could range from rants, to problems I’m having, to book/ music/ movie reviews, poetry, short stories, anecdotes, goals, chronicling my attempts to change and grow, things that inspire me, and who knows what else.
I just know that I’m excited to take this journey of discovering myself.
-BR
